Stream of Consciousness Pt. 1

Long time no see blog. This is a stream of consciousness experiment and I'll probably be doing many more of these.

Death and what it means.
Standing there with it yelling screaming begging to be recognized and all we’re doing is avoiding crying dying slowly and nothing makes sense except the LOUD angry PULSE of death and the quietness of avoidance and I can’t take it I can’t take it because everyone is ignoring what is going on and I don’t know what is going on except I do know that death is here DEATH is HERE and somehow I can’t wrap my mind around that so I pretend nothing’s wrong everything’s happy and good and life is worth it and there isn’t a man lying vulnerable and disheveled there isn’t a family knowing that he’s going to die there isn’t me knowing that he’s going to die and everything’s okay dammit but it’s not and everyone knows it’s not so we stand awkwardly mourning in our own way but our own way isn’t enough because we need to find some validation for what we’re doing why we’re here because crying isn’t enough and making quiet jokes isn’t enough so we sing and we sing and for some reason it’s the most beautiful and heart wrenching sound in the world and yet it doesn’t sound like anything doesn’t mean anything because God STILL ISN’T HERE and he’s lying there dying dying and nobody’s doing anything about it and all I want is to curl up and die curl up and take his place because look at him and look at me and the fact that there are fifteen people gathered in his room this one morning and I can’t even think of fifteen people who would come visit me all at once when I am dying so I hate myself for even forgetting the fact that he’s dying he’s dying so that’s all I concentrate on and I’m crying with the rest of them but it feels wrong because they all know him better than I do I’ve only spoken to him a few times but still I’m crying crying and watching grown men cry and it doesn’t bother me because for some reason it would be wrong if they weren’t and seeing teenage boys holding stoic holding still not letting tears escape and it makes me angry angry that here he is dying dying and these boys can stand there watching death pull and yank at his life and they can stand there and not cry so once again I feel wrong for crying because they’re not crying but then the adults are crying and the girls are crying and I think about how much more this would mean to me if God actually meant something to me and all I can think of is the time I lied to him about my faith about my religion and he called me such a religious girl and now he will never know the truth but he will die happier that way dying dying and I can’t take it because I’m standing in here crying crying and as I’m crying I’m lying lying because God is NOT HERE and he really should be because this man is struggling for life and we’re all struggling for life so we pray and we sing about our God is an awesome god and I cry and I cry because it’s all a big lie God is not awesome if he were this man wouldn’t be here dying dying and I wouldn’t be here lying lying because he would have switched his life for mine because he has done so much more than I can ever see myself doing and God isn’t fair God ISN’T HERE so I stand there and cry and watch as everyone else kisses him everyone else hugs him and I’m afraid to get too close because he probably doesn’t remember me but really it’s because I don’t want to face death head on because I was getting better getting better but then this happens and it all spirals downward down and now all I can think of is death dying and I can’t deal with it so I leave walk out in the hallway where everyone is standing crying crying and I’m crying crying building it up until the tears trickle down because I feel fake not and I feel fake doing it but doing it feels better so I let it out and I think of my death and how there will only be one or two people in my room when I’m dying so I wonder maybe it would be better if I die now die soon because then I won’t have to hurt the people later on in life because I see how all these people are hurting hurting crying crying and I wonder maybe if he was never alive or if they never knew him they wouldn’t be hurting I wouldn’t be crying so maybe I should just be gone run away hide and never meet anyone and never be close with anyone but then I start thinking of someone else and how much I like him how much I really like him and I don’t know what to do because now I feel this emotion tied to something so overwhelming and it’s not nihilism anymore it’s feeling it’s love it’s death it’s living so now I want to call him and tell him I like him but I can’t because what if he doesn’t like me what if what if and I can’t handle that I CAN’T HANDLE THAT so what do I do live in silence or just keep crying crying because that’s all I know how to do that’s all I know how to do.

Christmas

Funny how school can completely destroy a simple hobby like this.

Now that it's Christmas break, I've decided to start this up again.

Christmas with a boyfriend makes me realize a lot of things.

1. I like being alone when I have free time. To be honest, I'd rather spend the entire Christmas break at my house without friends.

2. I have to plan things a little more in advance. I can't just wing it and let everyone down in the process.

3. Buying presents is hard for people I don't know that well.

4. Winter is beautiful, but only from afar. I hate the cold.

I don't know exactly why I'm posting this. I just had to get back in the swing of things.

A Menu

I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian (I eat fish, but no meat) and I always have trouble finding food at restaurants that I can eat. Also, I want to be a chef. So here's a menu of yummy veg foods:

Tomato, provolone, and mayonnaise sandwich
Egg noodles with tomato vegetable sauce
Caesar veggie sandwich
Udon noodle stir-fry
Cheese and mushroom sandwich
Noodle soup with mushroom and onion
Salad with raisins, mushrooms, onions, almonds, and balsamic dressing
Cheese wrap
Modified ratatouille
Bow tie pasta with basil, onions, garlic, and tomatoes
Hominy with cheese, onions, and red pepper flakes

I'll add more later.

The World is Mine

I'm not really a religious person; however, I saw this and I had to share:

Today upon a bus I saw a lovely girl with golden hair.
I envied her - she seemed so gay - and wished I were as fair.
But suddenly she rose to leave.
I saw her hobble down the aisle, she had only one leg and wore a crutch,
but as she passed, a smile...
Oh, God forgive me when I whine,
I have two legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold them had such charm.
I stopped to talk to him, he seemed so glad
if I was late could do no harm.
As I left he said to me, "I thank-you, you had been so kind.
It's nice to talk to folks like you, you see," he said,"I am blind."
Oh, God forgive me when I whine,
I have two eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play, he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and said,"Why don't you join the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without a word and then I knew,
he couldn't hear.
Oh, God forgive me when I whine,
I have two ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I go,
with eyes to see the sun-set glow,
with ears to hear what I would know.
Oh, God forgive me when I whine,
I am blessed indeed, the world is mine!

Too often, people take things for granted. I'm constantly guilty of doing this. Be grateful for what you have, it could be taken away at any moment.

Colors

Have you ever wondered if someone sees different colors than you do?

I mean, it's impossible to prove that what I see as the color green is the exact same shade as someone else. Maybe my green is blue to them. Maybe that's why people have different favorite colors.

What if everyone's favorite color was the same shade, yet every person had a different name for it? Maybe my green is the same shade as my sister's purple. Maybe this shade is aesthetically pleasing to everyone.

Or maybe people do see different shades and favorite colors are dependent on personality. For myself, I don't understand how anyone could like the color orange, or purple, and yet I know people who love those colors. Perhaps our personalities really do affect the way we see shades and colors.

Isn't it amazing that this world is full of color?

And yet, what if there was another shade that humans just can't see? The typical rainbow is seen by most; but what if there is another color on a different planet that we have no name for; that we don't know exists?

It's hard to imagine a different color other than red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, white, brown, pink, or variations of these. But I bet, somewhere out there, there is a different color that we don't have a name for. It's impossible to imagine what it would look like, or to describe it, but it's probably out there.

Love: Part I

So I'm sitting here listening to the soundtrack from Pride & Prejudice and I'm just thinking about the basis for the movie.

What is it about mysterious people that gets us so attracted? Why do we chase after the one we aren't sure of rather than settle for the one we are safe with? Why indeed?

This is one of many posts I will eventually post about love. It's such an addictive concept. I, for one, am a true believer in love and romanticism. I believe in love at first sight. Ridiculous, I know, but I like the idea of it.

And this post is about to get bitter.

I don't understand why people throw love away like it's nothing. I hate how people seem to have no problem getting involved in "one night stands" or hook-ups. Whatever happened to being in love before having sex? Apparently, in this modern world, it's all about the immediate pleasure. Nobody ever thinks of the consequences.

Love is such an elusive feeling now. High school was such a culture shock to me. Everyone I know, even the people I thought were decent, cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends. Fine, whatever, we're in high school, we're supposed to have fun. I just wish feelings didn't have to get hurt in the process.

People are aging and not maturing. While I'm waiting to find the one I love, everyone around me is fooling around with everyone else. It drives me insane.

I just wish, for once, that I could find something pure and real.

Listening

I saw a quote one time that really interested me. It went something like this:

"Nobody truly listens to you unless you're about to die."

Think of how true that is. You know when your friend is rambling on about some story that may be significant in their life, but surely isn't in yours, you're spacing out, occasionally nodding but really not paying any attention.

Take a good listen to the next conversation you have. Most of mine involve a race: who can tell the best story, who can interrupt the most, who can garner the most attention.

Try, for one entire conversation, to just listen. Listen to everything the person is saying to you, no matter how trivial it is. Imagine how you would feel in their position. Most people think that everyone they talk to want to hear about them. This is why these conflicts in conversation occur so often. I'm guilty of not listening on many occasions.

If you think you're wasting your time listening to a seemingly pointless story, think again. Instead of drifting thinking of nothing, you're learning something about the other person. You're learning what they like, what interests them. Try to expand your horizons and learn as much as you can about someone else. They'll appreciate it.